This all feels a bit cheesy, but I really have been feeling thankful as the days lead up to Thanksgiving. It’s only been in the last few weeks with Matt leaving and the weather plunging downwards I’ve really felt the loneliness and the madness of what I’ve done by coming over here. I honestly feel like the terror, stress, and frantic depression that is sure to grab hold of anyone who tries what I’m trying here has taken much longer to get to me, and I think I know why.
My roommate, Dan, lost his job and within a day he was pacing around the apartment like a caged animal, and even, unbelievably, cleaned the place up a bit. I’ve been in a income-less, floating, structure-less life now for months, and I’ve weathered in better than he has after only a day. He told me between hits on his e-cig that he’d never had a day off like this, either he’s on holiday or sick, but never just a day of openness in front of him, but he said it like he was scared. He said he needed to find a job and quick, because the last thing he wanted to do was go back to England.
My patience for my time here, my openness to the chasm of uncertainty is only something I can bear because of all the love I feel coming at me from the east. The amount of support I feel from my friends and family holds me up, and brings tears to my eyes whenever I feel it. So many of you have been so good at talking with me on the phone, or sending me photos, or letting me brag about where I’ve moved to and what things I’m doing. I’d feel disappointed if I came back before I really had a chance here, but I know my return would make a lot of people really happy, and that makes imagining that easier.
I didn’t realize what Thanksgiving really meant to me until I was completely disconnected from it and unable to eat too much with the family. Now that I’m all the way over here, now is when being able to get around a table with family would really make me feel the spirit of Thanksgiving. And it’s only because I’ve been fortunate enough to be in families that really latch on to those traditions. I suppose I took it for granted, but it’s in me deeply now, and if I could just find some people that wanted to eat, I’d be attempting to put together a Thanksgiving feast right now. In stead I am making a pumpkin pie, and I’ll drink Gluhwein and call home and see everyone.
I guess what I’m really Thankful for is friends and family that it’s so hard to be a part from. I love all of you so much, and it would all be so much easier if I just had shitty relationships with everyone. God damn it.
So thanks, thanks to everyone who reads this, everyone who has talked to me on the phone, everyone who has sent me something, everyone who has supported me in this crazy leap. What makes it hard to be away from you, is what gives me the strength to keep picking myself up and forging ahead.
Now no one look at me, I’m going to make and eat an entire pie by myself today.